Want to feel empowered?
Choose not to “like” a friend’s social media post.
Oh, I know. That sounds like sour grapes. Someone didn’t get many “likes” from friends on a post, especially a personal one.
Hear me out. I’m an analyzer. I’ve noticed patterns from people who “like” certain posts—and don’t like others. I want to know motives. I’ve concluded it’s empowering for people to withhold a “like” for one reason or another. And it says something about them—and, by extension, human nature.
So much is written and spoken about how people, especially young people, react if their friends don’t acknowledge a social media post. But what about those at the keyboard, deliberately choosing to not like or comment on a friend’s post? How does choosing to do that make them feel? I contend that passing by a friend’s post can put you on your high horse as judge and critic alike.
That’s dark, I know. Perhaps you just weren't interested. Or maybe Facebook’s algorithms prevented your friend from seeing your post. But maybe they didn’t.
I don’t think people are all that clueless in the majority of cases. I think clear motivations fuel whether people “like” or don’t.
We have a persona in our heads when we enter a public space. Persona is the word attributed to how others perceive us, i.e., the public role(s) we play. In Erving Goffman’s book “The Presentation of Everyday Life,” we learn that people like to control the “self” they present to others and often do so in a theatrical or performative manner, all in line with how they’d like to be thought of by others.
That would explain what people post on social media; it also might lend insight into how we interact with those posts.
Here are some of the reasons I feel we don’t click “like” and what it might say about us.
You’re Feeling Rotten and Maybe a Little Bit Green-Eyed
What better way to comment on a friend’s happy or celebratory post when you’re feeling lousy about yourself than to NOT like it.
Doing so can make you feel better about yourself and your own less-than-scintillating life at that moment. It’s the equivalent of a middle finger or a snub in the hallway by simply ignoring that person, digitally speaking.
But it’s not the best reaction. As a friend once told me, “Don’t let others know you’re bothered by what they do.” Just “like” the post and scroll on. You’re friends, after all.
Your Persona is the Queen Bee
OK, you’re not Beyonce, exactly, but you fancy yourself to be above hoi polloi (the common folk), You’ve got it in your mind that you’re royalty because of your experience or talent or success or wisdom and ought to be treated as such. Hence, it’s tough, if not impossible, for you to give a fair shake to someone you think is beneath you. So you scroll by. Withholding a “like” or ignoring the post no matter how many times it pops up on your feed is equivalent to “I’ll show them how little I care.”
Slap a like on the post and be done with it. Be happy that someone found a bit of renown in this vale of tears known as life.
You’re Embarrassed by Someone Who’s Simply Too Much in a Way that You Like to Think You’re Not
You fancy yourself to be calm, professional, a bit distant from those who are loudly honest or provocative or even outrageous in their posts. They bray about politics or some other subject that’s got them worked up—and they let the world know it.
In her wonderful book “Too Much: How Victorian Constraints Still Bind Women Today,” Rachel Vorona Cote writes that “a woman who meets the world with intensity is a woman who endures lashes of shame and disapproval.” Such disapproval can take the form of “exuberance, chattiness, a tendency to burst into tears.” Conversely, Vorona Cote writes that those women who are often revered by society are those who “whittle [themselves] down, mind, body, and soul, [their] every inch contorted into decorum and cool.”
You, such a careful curator of your persona, may feel that any association with a “too-much” poster, say, by liking their post even if you agree with it, makes you one and the same as that person, i.e., too much of something, if not everything. Therefore, you keep your distance and withhold the “like” or any comment.
The Victorian Era is over. Put your pinky down. Social media flattens everything anyway. And what’s wrong with a little honesty that you secretly agree with? If it’s a friend’s post, then “like” it. Passion isn't always bad.
You Default to Your Safe Circle of Friends
One surefire way to crowd out the personalities is to always “like” the quiet, non-controversial posters who support you no matter what. They are not going to rile you up. They are in sharp contrast to those who provoke or promote, prod or poke. They’re safe. They’re not going to overshadow you, ever.
C’mon. Of course we love these folks—and need them in this mean-spirited world. But to only “like” their posts and not your other friends’ posts says a lot about your ego’s fragility. A friend is a friend is a friend.
You Might Just Be A Social Climber
Some of you only “like” posts from people who breathe the rarefied air of position—whether in the community or in academia or business. By “liking” their posts for their 100th book or article published (self-promotion is usually the only reason they’re on social media) or award received, you are identifying with them and their success. You’re one of their “friends” so you, too, must be pretty darn special. You may not even like what they do or how they present themselves. Nevertheless, they have status—and you crave it. It behooves you to do so, given your persona.
Please. This only shows your snootiness. Be true to your friends first.
Your Politics Come Before Friendship
You voted for Trump (or Harris), so it’s important to wean yourself off from those friends who don’t share your politics—especially those who make their positions known on Facebook or another platform. You might be ashamed of your vote now, but you can’t let people know that! Or you may be proud of your position and feel sorry for the benighted who don’t see the world from your balcony. Whereas you once “liked” and interacted with friends of all political persuasions, you’ve decided to hold off on liking their posts even if they’re only posting photos of their cat’s toe beans. You can’t separate your political persona from any other characteristic you might have, so you just don’t interact anymore except with your safe circle of friends (see above).
Wake up! No politician is equal to a true-blue friend, someone who will drive you to the airport, let's say. Get a spine and realize you’re more than a shill for any pol. Life is short; value your friends. You have more in common than politics or you wouldn’t be on their friends’ list.
If Someone Moves Away, They’re Gone, Baby, Gone
Your friend moved away, so they’re gone. Out of sight, out of mind, right? You don’t need to read their posts or interact with them a state or two away because, after all, you’re not going to run into them at the local Walmart. But friendship travels. As Tennessee Williams wrote, “Time doesn’t take away from friendship, nor does separation.”
Check in with them or “like” their posts to remind them you still care about their well being. Show you’re not a fair-weather friend.
You're Guilty of the 'Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged' Rule You Presumably Live By
You’ll show your friends they aren’t posting the right (or acceptable) content by bypassing the “like” button. Everyone’s a critic, right?
Maybe they re-posted a memory—oh, the horror! You’ve already seen that photo last year. No recycled goods for you. Post something new instead that can be judged and ignored.
Or perhaps they’ve posted one too many photos of their kids. Judgment descends. Ignore the post. Maybe your friend will get the idea once you’ve schooled them.
My stars and garters! Someone posted a photo of themselves when they were young. They’re too sexy! You’ve suddenly become a member of the Ladies and Gentlemen For Womanly Virtues or perhaps Feminists Against Cheesecake. Withholding a “like” sends a message that you’re above such indiscretion. You, too, have sexy photos but with your high level of taste, you wouldn’t dare post them.
Or are you stingy with your “likes”? Some folks feel too many “likes” might go to a friend’s head. What’s wrong with that? I remember the lyrics of that Sinatra song: “You go to my head like a sip of sparkling Burgundy brew / And I find the very mention of you / Like the kicker in a julep or two.” Ah – that’s enough to jostle the endorphins. Some think that would never do to make someone’s day, to give them a buzz by showing that you, a friend, enjoyed their post. Instead, you have to rein them in, deprive them, teach them by withholding a “like.”
And then there are the “lurkers” who are so far above us, they never “like” or comment. It simply isn’t done. They remain pure and untouched by the commonness of social media (but they’re nosy enough to want to read everything). We all know that friendship requires getting messy at times, taking risks. Take your halo off and “like” a friend’s post or write a comment. Or post something yourself!
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So, have I covered all the motivations? And, yes, I've drawn upon my own experience at times to come up with this list. If we're honest, we're all guilty of withholding the love. Ultimately, we have to remember that social media has its flaws, certainly, but the reason we joined up at the outset was to share a little bit of ourselves with friends and to keep in touch—not to withhold.
Have fun with social media. Revel with your friends. Have a laugh. Ponder something they've had the guts to post. You may not know (or care) what they’ve gone through recently, but be generous with the "like" option. Oh, and reserve the judgment. We all have enough detractors out there.
Above all, remember why you became friends in the first place. You liked them.